I was at work daydreaming. Unlike most times, I was peeking into my past instead of my future. For some reason, my mind catapulted me to a time when the only thing in the world that mattered was whether or not my parents would buy me the sidewalk chalk I had been eyeing for the past few days.
You see, I had plans for that chalk – plans to give it a home on the sidewalk. There was a hopscotch tournament I had to be prepared for. Even though it only featured my sister, my mother, and myself, I had to make sure I got all the lines and numbers right. In addition, there was a section of the driveway reserved for four square. Again, this chalk was pretty serious business. It was the only thing on my mind.
Before I knew it, I was startled back into my reality. The normal hustle and bustle of my day started to flood my consciousness and before I knew it, I was old, again – with ALL of the cares in the world.
I am old.
Now, that’s not something you hear someone in their twenties describe themselves as; yet, here we are. I am concerned about my current paychecks, and my retirement. I’m concerned about the fact that I don’t have any children, as I am in a full sprint toward my thirties. I am concerned that I may really be single for the rest of my life. I am concerned about where I live, and what I drive. I am concerned about what’s happening with the government; and, I just want to find some way to be a part of it – to do my part to make my community better.
I used “concerned” way more than I should have in that last paragraph. To be honest, I am flat-out worried. I want to be married, again. I want to be a mommy. I don’t want to worry about each paycheck – because I’m living by each one. I want to be valued, and committed to community; and, I don’t want to feel like I’m always running as fast as I can against a clock that never has to stop or slow down. I’m tired of running. I’m tired of racing.
Then the message is clear: Just wait.
Wait? On what? A moment? An opportunity? A stage? A check?
Chile, I’m old. I don’t have time to wait.
I don’t perceive that I have enough time to accomplish all I want to do. I’m afraid that I will spend my whole life chasing, and die not having captured anything. I don’t have time to wait. I have to make things happen. I have to hustle, and stretch myself thin, and ignite anxiety by feeding pride instead of humility.
I don’t have time to wait when I have made promises to myself that were outside of God’s will for my life. I can’t wait when all my friends are married, and I’m the only one still single. I don’t have time to wait since all of my siblings have children, and I am the only one without a single child. I don’t have time to wait.
You may not have time to WASTE; but, you most certainly have time to WAIT.
How is it that I spent so much time looking at what everyone else has, that I have failed to make the best use of my time? Success is not one size fits all – it does not look the same on everyone. I have spent time fighting with a clock that I should have been dancing with.
You see, time is going to continue moving. It is not the enemy. Time is a vehicle for maturity and wisdom. Our best moments, our hearts desires occur in time and on time. Time is all I have.
I can’t quantify how much time I have. I can only become devoted to making the most of each moment I am blessed with. I don’t have to wait for any next big moment. I can enjoy the one I have right now – doing what I love to do (writing), in one of my favorite places in the world (my bed). I promise not to waste my time waiting on what I hope may happen. I will always spend my time being – just like when I was a little girl without a true care in the world.
Let’s use our time better. Let’s really live this time
With love until next time,